She and I are one in the same...

As I click the blue text that forms the words Post New Blog I take a deep breath knowing that I'm opening the door that I once closed and bolted shut, threw the keys into the fire and walked away like a thug... As the cursor winks at me I begin to fall in love all over again with this place that I grew to fear, each letter being a step further into this utopia. The love is quickly blanketed by the fear of all of the thoughts, memories, and ever afters that I cast away into the sea of forgetfulness. I keep reminding myself to just keep placing one foot in front of the other while simultaneously trying to focus on one single thought out of the millions that are encircling me. As I searched hopelessly for one to dwell upon I seen her. Everything stopped. The room was no longer spinning and my heart was no longer beating but I was still there and she stood before me. The adrenaline, however, remained and screamed to me through the dead silence to run... To be completely honest I wanted to, but I couldn't. There was something about her that kept me there, some weird desire to remain. So I did. I knew she wanted me to speak, I knew her just as well as she knew me, but I refused to speak until spoken to. I am still amazed at how I got to this point. I once controlled this place and everything within it, but somehow along the way I let it grow out of my control... "What brought you here?" The question caught me off guard but was one I knew I would have to face soon enough. For some reason I felt no need to sugar coat or hold back anymore.... So I told her, "HE did." She smiled, that was all she needed to hear. She asked no more questions and I knew I had her. Maybe she didn't really care why I came there, or maybe she just wanted me to admit the truth. At any rate those details mean nothing. What mattered the most was that She and I were now... ME- I got my swag back... Welcome back kid! She whispered. I smiled. Suddenly the room began to spin again and the thoughts returned… She faded away but I knew I still had her with me; she belonged to me again instead of the other way around. I didn't have to remind myself of the one step, two step because before I knew it I was going full force ahead... I wanted to move faster but my fingers and the keyboard were not nearly as advanced as the letters that seemed to meet and mate to form words that stemmed from the millions of thoughts all around me so I just pushed on as fast as my physical would allow. Fear slowly fades to ecstasy and I know I can stop now. There's no more trying, I just am.... I don't have to focus on one thing because I'll do it all... I don't have to run away anymore, I'm running towards. You don't have to come find me, I'll come to you. I can embrace all of it, imperfections and all... So with that said, I have to say Thank you Lord, for showing me...me! It's great to be here!!!