She and I are one in the same...

As I click the blue text that forms the words Post New Blog I take a deep breath knowing that I'm opening the door that I once closed and bolted shut, threw the keys into the fire and walked away like a thug... As the cursor winks at me I begin to fall in love all over again with this place that I grew to fear, each letter being a step further into this utopia. The love is quickly blanketed by the fear of all of the thoughts, memories, and ever afters that I cast away into the sea of forgetfulness. I keep reminding myself to just keep placing one foot in front of the other while simultaneously trying to focus on one single thought out of the millions that are encircling me. As I searched hopelessly for one to dwell upon I seen her. Everything stopped. The room was no longer spinning and my heart was no longer beating but I was still there and she stood before me. The adrenaline, however, remained and screamed to me through the dead silence to run... To be completely honest I wanted to, but I couldn't. There was something about her that kept me there, some weird desire to remain. So I did. I knew she wanted me to speak, I knew her just as well as she knew me, but I refused to speak until spoken to. I am still amazed at how I got to this point. I once controlled this place and everything within it, but somehow along the way I let it grow out of my control... "What brought you here?" The question caught me off guard but was one I knew I would have to face soon enough. For some reason I felt no need to sugar coat or hold back anymore.... So I told her, "HE did." She smiled, that was all she needed to hear. She asked no more questions and I knew I had her. Maybe she didn't really care why I came there, or maybe she just wanted me to admit the truth. At any rate those details mean nothing. What mattered the most was that She and I were now... ME- I got my swag back... Welcome back kid! She whispered. I smiled. Suddenly the room began to spin again and the thoughts returned… She faded away but I knew I still had her with me; she belonged to me again instead of the other way around. I didn't have to remind myself of the one step, two step because before I knew it I was going full force ahead... I wanted to move faster but my fingers and the keyboard were not nearly as advanced as the letters that seemed to meet and mate to form words that stemmed from the millions of thoughts all around me so I just pushed on as fast as my physical would allow. Fear slowly fades to ecstasy and I know I can stop now. There's no more trying, I just am.... I don't have to focus on one thing because I'll do it all... I don't have to run away anymore, I'm running towards. You don't have to come find me, I'll come to you. I can embrace all of it, imperfections and all... So with that said, I have to say Thank you Lord, for showing me...me! It's great to be here!!!

Can you hear me now?

You always tell me you hear me
But do you really
I may not say anything
At least not verbally
But internally
My heart is screaming
Yearning, wanting, pleading...
Please stay, don't go
I need your presence, just a moment more
Nothing else matters
No one else is a factor
All I see is you
I just wish you really knew
Even if I could verbalize
I wonder if you'd realize
That what I say is real
And maybe, the same way, you'd feel
I always say for you I'd travel
Don't need maps, I follow the direction of your heart
but I can not begin my journey
I'm lost and don't know where to start
I wish I could say I hear you
But you seem so far
Your silence is so loud
It makes it difficult to hear your heart
I'm trying to be patient
but my heart can't take the pain
of trying to occupy the vacancy
that clearly bears your name... Nothing else matters, but You!

Okay, that's the end for now I could go on and on but I should really be listening to the lecture in class.

I'm in love with a stripper...

I'm not gonna lie (cuz I believe in keepin it 100) I was completely in love with this song when I heard the remix. I don't listen to secular music as much as I did back in high school so I don't be up to date on music but when I finally heard this song it went hard in my ipod for a while... Lord forgive me, but that inner curiosity started to come out. (read into that what you will...)Lol! But that was quickly settled because I ended up going on a music fast but any way to the point of this post...
My first lady (Pastor's wife) brought up a great point, many of us would never admit to being in love with a stripper and even though we sing the song the reality would never be comfortable publicly claiming a relationship of this sort (although I'm aware some of us would). Despite this fact many of us are, indeed, in love with strippers (or have been at some point in time). How many people have been in love with someone who has made you feel like you weren't worth anything or made you feel as if no matter how much you gave and gave you still weren't enough. We enter into relationships with people that strip us of our pride, self-esteem, morals, etc... every single day.

So my question to you is, are you in love with a stripper?

Thee Best...

Over the last few years I've done a lot of growing and a lot of changing. As I look back I used to be a hot mess, and have blossomed into a young woman that was a very long process but as reflecting on all of those lovely memories there seems to be something in the middle of all of them, My Best... She has had my back through so much, she has seen me at my best and at my worse and she tells it like it is (even when it is the last thing I want to hear) if it's what I need to hear. My best just came to visit and left today, I always hate it when she leaves because it's like we're missing out on so much of each other's lives but we're both about our business so it's a necessary thing to do. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge how much I love her and appreciate all she is to me, ride or die (even after the wheels fall off)...

This one's for you:
"don't know what I'd ever do without you, from the beginning to the end. You've always been here right beside me, so I'll call you my best friend. Through the good times and the bad ones, whether I lose or if I win... I know one thing that never changes, and that's you as my best friend..."

Thanks to A.K-M.

Chances fading now...

Blinded by the sunlight, tickled by the breeze, and inspired by the rhythm of a heartbeat I stand here. My focus is fading. I see everything, yet I see nothing. I know nothing, but I'm slowly learning that to know nothing is the equivalent of knowing everything. And knowing everything, is pure stupidity. And that revelation is enough to shove my knowledge to understanding. And understanding to experience. And before I know it, the rhythmic inspiration becomes mental comprehension. And finally physical action. Suddenly I'm gone. Lost in the groove, moving interchangeably with the breathtaking ribbon that binds the unruly curls of life. As we embrace I long to make time stand still if only for a brief period so that I may remain in this moment just a little longer. Coming or going, moving or still, silence seems so loud, and noise seems to hushed, up is down, and down is up, here is there, but there is no where, words are meaningless, and minds are simply ironing boards of the crumpling of indecision. But hearts... The heartbeat is like a song on my heart, the perfect verse over a tight beat, I no longer have to search for the truth in the midst of lies, or see the forest through the trees, instead I see things for what they really are. Every word, thought, lie, truth, every smile that should've been a tear, and cries let out that were really laughs... It all makes perfect sense now, the pieces of the puzzle fit perfectly together create a scenic panorama that encircles my whole existence, it spins around, faster and faster. I love it, yet I hate it. spinning, faster, spinning. I finally understand, yet its too much. faster, spinning, faster. I want it, all of it... I have it, I'll keep it, I'm never letting go. spinning. I'm getting dizzy. spinning. Slow down. spinning. Please, I'm getting sick. spinning. I need it. spinning. I gotta have it. spinning. I got it. spinning. Thank you! spinning. spinning. spinning. I fall... Breaking the embrace. Losing the rhythm. The action ceases. The comprehension is lost. And knowledge once again means nothing. the spinning stops.

What's the point in giving me the world, if you won't give me your heart?

Blurry Images...

Blurry Images of you,

me,

we,

and what we are...

What we were

and what we should be are clear

but i fail to see what we are...

Because we are not!

I can remember the times we've shared

and the games we used to play.

laughing and joking,

when the time was appropriate.

And squaring up with anything that threatened us,

big or small,

no matter the risk.



But exploring the innermost depths of one another without uttering a single word...

That was my favorite.

It was as if someone was whispering my deepest darkest secrets to you.

Yet you always looked at me the same.

As if they told me all the things that troubled you,

and made you afraid

But it didn't change a thing.

It gave us understanding to the things we couldn't speak,

whether we were unable or unwilling

It served as our missing piece.



And then there is where I see us

Roaming the skies

with our minds

going higher and higher

never noticing the millions of things trying to keep us from moving forward

Because they could never reach our level to get our attention,

and refused to come down and live within their dimension

I can see clearly the potential we have

To change the world,

That's the destiny laid out for us

Between your powerful aura

that knows no limits

And my infinite intellect

that has never been introduced to a battle it couldn't win,

Nothing would be the same.



But what we are is none of that

Because we are not

We never were

And the reality is

we may never be

so why is it

that those are the thing I see so clearly?

I see the things that are not,

but I can't quite make out what we are

I keep trying to make it out

but I have no luck

I know what it should be

And what is could've been

But my question is

could we make it be?



I guess I'd have to express this to you first,

Right?

ok, well how about we start off easy...

It's nice to meet you

My name is Love,

what are your plans for tonight?

Mesmerized...

[sigh]
to long for the forbidden.
that is what I do
your scent, your smile, your presence
everything about you
you're a fleeting moment,
a passing wind
it was nothing more than a mirage
shared between two delusional friends
almost never lasted so long
and almost never felt so good
too bad almost doesn't count
at least not in this book

If it doesn't align with the word of God, if it isn't adding to your purpose... it's time to turn the page!

What goes around...

So lately I've noticed that the majority of men say they want this or that in a woman, but when you look at their choice of women and who they associate with it doesn't line up. Better yet, those who say they want a good girl but then when they get her they try to change everything about her. I'm just wondering that in all the hype out there now about being real and keepin it 100 if any of that crosses over to the relational aspect of life, or is that simply a facade that's only applied to everything else?

On the flip side, when a woman gets tired of being played or mislead and she starts to play the same game she's looked down upon. I don't believe in the motto "play or get played" I believe in waiting until the right person comes along and not punishing him for another's mistakes. However, I can completely understand why some women resort to this. What I don't understand is why men don't understand it and why they react the way they do.
I guess what I'm saying is, you reap what you sow. In other words, what goes around comes around so you might want to get on some act right the next time around or you might have something bad coming for you.